One of the best things about the holidays is having the time to come together and connect. But often, this connection remains surface level. Martin Vera, a leadership and life coach based in London, UK, says that when we reunite with people we don’t see very often, we tend to gravitate toward small talk because it feels safe.

Small talk has its time and place: research shows that fleeting social interactions with people, even strangers, can boost moods and our faith in humankind. But a night of rotating through a room to recount the same three major events that have happened in your life in the last year can leave you feeling drained, and it doesn’t do much in terms of deepening your social connections.